No blog means at times I feel LIKE hell – ITS been a very hard week – BUT for some reason Linda’s email came at a good time – I wanted to go back to bed…. I was lying there and started singing a song I knew from my past life in Holland….. I loved it and needed to let Linda know – THAT strangers or not OUR paths cross more then we both know.

SO here is to normal food – keeping in down – new friends that reach out and give you a good kick up the ass – WITHOUT even knowing it.

AND ON top of all this……. I fell in love again:

Ok so Xmas. I’ll go but I’m bringing the turkey.

Your familly has been more than there for us and out of respect I need to put my issues aside and respect what they want to do for us. I make a really good turkey so let your mom know that we will bring the bird.

CUZZZZ Linda has me rocking!!!!!

xxx TO YOU my pet and your girls.

And as I had thought, its not going to be any easier, or the same-o as the first chemo – the radiation has seen to that. MAY I NEVER need to do radiation again. OK to other parts of my body – we will accept that – but full brain radiation……’bugger that for a lark’…….wow have not said that in yonks…..and so we regress to the UK use of language…..MIND you would I have said ‘bugger’ or simply ‘FUCK that’ …I am sure I would have said the later of the two!

and SOOO tired …… radiation once again. I could sleep for what seems ever and then role over and want more – needless to say my back hurts! AHAHHAAHAHHA oooh listen to ME!!!! Whinging away – then again us canser people – man are you guys tolerant!

Thank God you are. Thank you.

Oh I feel better this morning – pain and hurling NOT on my top list of good days! NOT that I ever actualy vomited – just walked around and felt like – ‘ THERE she blows’ but no…..nada! All in all it just zapped me of strength.

I need to show you what my sweet pea of a girl friend made for me – I will blow it up and frame the beauty AS not only has it amazing loves vibes – BUT without even knowing it, the colors are almost exact as those in my new house. Red being the play color, meaning its just splash around the house in pillows and phones and seating in the dinning area and ART! While the olive greens and dark green and tan coffee colors are central. I LOVE IT!

Feel like crap. It was wishful thinking to hope for the same as the first round of chemo. Of course NOW on top to the same chemo is the still lingering effects of the brain radiation. I felt so bad yesterday, (and so proud), I entered the kitchen and I was overcome by a dizzy, going to black out, move your ass if you do not want to be crushed on my way down moment, and was hanging on to the sink hoping it would pass faster then it was – when I heard Maxxie say ” I can help you back to bed…..and bring you some ice cream”. Max has listened well….. ICE CREAM fixes almost everything!

feeling like crap

There is just so much to remember and take care of during a day – pills, pills and more pills, get out side for fresh air (easy to forget when you feel like crap) – drink 2 liters, it just seems long at times the list. Am I whining??? Yup. And sooo tired.

Poor Rick running around getting the boys to sports, music classes and cooking dinner, shopping. Those are my jobs….I want them back.

This too shall pass? yeah….of course it will.

It was a long day yesterday. We were two hours late in starting the chemo as I was first to have a pik line inserted by the PIK TEAM – NOW I was not scared UNTIL they said ‘we will start by freezing the area’…. Freezing??? OK that means it’s going to hurt…NOW my heart started to pump – I don’t do pain.

and the Pik Team… come on it started to play in my head when the room at first was just an EXAMINATION looking room then was metamorphosed into a mini operation room in minutes; my sister was asked to leave, masks came on and I was covered in operation towels…..

NOW what song do you hear?? the Pik TEAM –

I had know idea that the very thin catheter line was to be pushed up my arm, take a turn at the shoulder and rest above my heart. OK it sounds worse then it was …. I had a bit of discomfort. A BIT only…man I am such a suck at times!


Then on for xrays to make sure the catheter is where they planted it and then down for chemo. WELL my head and tummy were not nsink at all by now – during my walk to my chair in the chemo area every one new I was going to hurl!

I was given extra doses of ‘NOT ON MY SHIFT YOU DON’T” and I immediately started to feel human again. Lots of drugs….do not be sick drugs….don’t even get a queeezzzy tummy drug……and IF you even force yourself YOU CAN’T get sick drug……good drugs. THEN we started with the chemo drugs – 5 hours to empty 2 bags of poison in to my body. HOWEVER with the company of my sister Cheryl it went by very quickly and I enjoyed having her with me. I did not even get a chance to nap!

P.S nearly forgot – the house….our house that has now sold 3 x ….she cancelled…’s unsold again! She is now claiming limited finances.

I really should not laugh……I could kick her tho!

As you know, and if you don’t I am about to enlighten you; I will not solve the war on canser, BUT I am set to fight every bloody battle it throws my way.

This Thursday (November 20, 2008) starts another such battle. Its not always easy to hear – but I love my oncologist and he lets me know in such a positive way that it immediately reminds me of the reality of my situation and the immediate positives. Ask Rick, I was excited! I knew the scan came back with something. My lung has stared ever so lightly to ache and on October 31/08 I had sent Rick an email saying that something was going on – it hurt BAD my chest for about 15 minutes….then stopped. SO I new the scan on November 3rd would result in another hic up.

THE POSITIVE of this hic up? Same-o chemo as the first time – a repeat of treatments. The first line was so successful that it was extended to 8 sessions. STILL shrinking but NOT as much as the first 5/6 sessions – it was decided by all that after 8 we would stop as this may cause more harm to my good cells and my strength then kill more canser cells.

So now after 5 months we begin again. There are 2 in the lung that have started to grow – and a new one on the adrenal gland – the size of a pea. After two sessions; they will do a scan – if its not showing any shrinkage THEN we immediately switch over to the next line of chemo therapy possiblities.

Your still wondering what is so positive?? I know what to expect with this treatment; I am already bald from the radiation to the brain – AND it leaves wide open a whole variety of possible treatments for the future; and for now its every 3 weeks – the move into the new house is a bit a head ache, as I am right into treatment; BUT have already asked my sisters to come spend a day in doing some packing for me. The rest is being moved by a company. THEN again…..I am more positive about the treatment then this witch buying our house! lol

I am trying to get me off of the steroids. A slight nightmare. I HATE discomfort and let me tell you I am lucky to even be able to stand at times. I think I scared the beejesus out of my mom, she popped over and the boys being down stairs did not hear our KNOCK on the door – so I got up “too fast” – by the time I got to the door, my only decision was… do I fall into the wall as I would normally OR into my mom…the softest of the two won that one! She went home to sit by the phone ….she was sure Rick would call with the worst news….. NO mom JUST be glad your kids were never into body building!

So that is my update. My boys already know as I have promised to keep them up to date minute by minute! LMAO sorry just had to laugh again about my Mattie – he sees the photos of my swollen face and panics…..OH MY LORD you would have thought he had read I was dead. He panicked – called Tyler etc….. sorry baby boy – canser is NOT always pretty! BUT inside Matt – I still FEEL like a gorgeaus woman.

OK that is a lie – I feel like a blimp – look like one – and still need to get over the staring – I feel comfortable at the canser clinic where everyone knows and understands….but alas life is here and going out 2 or three times a week with Rick or my parents or inlaws to shop – a TREAT!!!!

I refuse to hide – the battles MUST be seen to be won with any sense of meaning.

I feel I should break into a song of “Onward Christian Soldier” ….BUT that is all I know of the TUNE! hahahahahaha

p.s I gotta move – we are getting a cleaning service to come every week for a few hours to help me out….I GOTTA MOVE!!!!


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